The Insane Depths of James Potter's Brain
by Tastes-Like-Fry
Summary: A very scary place to be. Sometimes witty, sometimes numb, and always that little bit dirty. But who can blame him? He's only male after all! - Fun short story, Rated T for safety
1. Prologue

**A/N**: When I was sharing a house, one of my housemates shared this list with me.  
This is the story it inspired. **Disclaimer:** Harry Potter belongs to JKR

**The Insane Depths of James' Brain**

_M__oony, Wormtail, Padfoot and Prongs'  
List of the measures of a lady's most enticing anatomy_  
A = Absent  
B = Barely There  
C = Can't Complain  
D =Dang  
E = Enormous  
F = Fake  
G = Giant  
H = Help! I've fallen on the floor and can't get up!  
I = Impossible


	2. Absent

**I don't own HP**

_A = Absent_

I was absent as Mary's well, physical proof she was a woman. Not that she didn't try, poor thing, but I happen to know those little tell-tale bumps are in-fact plastic substitutes. I did try and tell her once that she'll catch up to her roommates someday and not be as flat as a… that's as far as I got before I got slapped.

Crazy girl

Either way, I'm absent minded today. I think Slughorn scolded me this morning for following the wrong method for the potion I was making. Doesn't matter, it's Divination now and I can be off in la-la land as much as I want.

Why am I acting absent today? Cause Miss Evans, happens to not be here. She is in fact in the hospital wing, out stone cold. She's more absent than I am at the moment, and therefore I am worried.

My thoughts and my heart are with her, praying she'd wake up in my absence and be hugable when I bounded in there and gave her a great big hug. I will hug her – no amount of jinxing from her or an angry Pomfery will retain my joy at seeing the pool of green uncovered by those ginger lashes once again.

Shimmering emerald diamonds

Crap, I said that out loud. I button my lip and ignore Sirius' odd look at me, focusing my attention on the parchment I have been listlessly doodling on and I instantly feel somewhat foolish. Doodles of flowers and hearts are what you find on girl's notes, not James Potter's. Blushing, I quickly magic it away, before Sirius has a chance to think I'm delirious in my absentness.


	3. Barely There

B = Barely there

She's as barely there as Marlene's well, womanly stature. I think she secretly wants to be a boy. Not that she likes girls or anything, but she despises girly things. I did try and tell her once that her muggle superman b-cup bra was very becoming on her. She laughed, and later bought me one for Christmas.

Bizarre girl

Either way, everything's hazy. Not my fault my eyes are glazed over. I think I've been crying. I know I yelled at Pomfery. I'm not leaving, I would never leave you. I'd give you a hug, but I can't.

It's all your fault, Evans! All that exists is your body, a breath on your lips keeping you from drifting off. Your hand is so limp in mine, I feel like I'm holding china. I can't hold you, I'd surely break you, you're so fragile.

Painted porcelain doll

Some things that go through my mind should not be said out loud, particularly in the very presence of the Headmaster who had just chuckled behind me. Lily would be proud of the tomato-red that I am turning. And possibly of the beet-red that followed in anger when the Headmaster told me to retire to my own dorm. I left, seething in silence. Lily needs someone there – someone to give her a hug when she wakes up, to tell her it's all right, the poor girl is barely there.


	4. Can't Complain

**A/N: ** Yay! Thank you for to reviewers' positive response 3 And Thanks to every one who's watching/faved this story. This is shorter is comparison to the first two chapters, but they will get longer from here. **D/C:** I am not the genius that is JKR

_C = Can't Complain_

I can't complain. Lily is perfect, well alright so maybe not so perfect. But she was just as good as perfect to me. Her perfectly sculpted bosom rose up and down with each and every breath. She was bathed in moonlight which only accented those glorious curves, not to mention the thin shirt that was barely covering her.

Gorgeous girl

Either way, even though I'm violating her peace, I stare. I promised myself I'm not allowed to touch anything beyond her hand. Nor am I allowed to drool, for that is removing all my dignity, but seeing as I snuck in under my invisibility cloak, no one can see me salivating.

Succulent, juicy eye-candy

Can I keep my mouth shut? Ever? The derisive snort was not what I expected. Even less so from the sleeping beauty in front of me. No, I'm not being a pervert, not at all. Lily can read through me, even when she totally wacked.

Still, her porcelain hand is now curling around mine and I must say I am putting all my energy in not throwing my arms around her.  
Hand-holding is enough. Actually hand-holding is great, so really, I can't complain.


	5. Dang

D = Dang

As gobsmacked as any boy running into Janet's double-d rack I was. Ah dear JanJan, she would curse the living daylights out of us if we stared longer than a couple of milliseconds. She's put Sirius in hospital more than once a month for his inappropriate pick-up lines. I once tried to tell her I liked her necklace. I think I ended up telling her I liked something else. I don't remember though; I think she threw me out the window.

Strong girl.

Either way, the sight of Lily sitting up, her eyes bleary but bright and cheerful, the red hair all in tangles framing her broad smile through the weary disposition all the while patting my own head to make me wake up, made something inside me snap. I think it was the joy exploding.

If I had to cover the entire hospital wing in one bound, I believe I would have been able to do so. However, Lily was merely a few feet in front of me when I leapt at her, with such a great and overexerted enthusiasm I did the one thing I didn't want to do. I flattened her.

She's like a squeaky toy that one. Squeeze her hard enough and she makes a funny noise. However, I wanted her to be able to breathe, I ended up on my hands and knees, hovering above her, her glossy lips apart and vulnerable, also giving me a clear view down her cleavage leaving me quite at a loss for words.

You desirable seducer, you

Or maybe not… I didn't just say what I thought I said, did I? She's laughing at me again, her cheeks beautifully aflame. I had to stumble over my words. It's not my fault she makes my tongue do things of its own accord.

Great, now she's pushing me away. Demanding I go to class before I get in trouble. I promise I'll be back to visit. I glance over my shoulder as she's pursing her lips, scrutinizing me. A minute ago those lips should have been mine. Dang.

**A/N:** I'm not JKR, and people asking me to keep writing this story – I have already completed it, I'm just posting it one chapter at a time to be all the more annoying. Lol.

If you review I'll give you cookies :x


	6. Enormous

I am not JKR and do not own the fabulous James Potter's brain.

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E = Enormous

The Elephunket was enormous. Normally they're little, but we had a Charms lesson outside and charmed the beasts how we liked. Alice was the one who had posed the idea that we should make it big. She was also the one who made the comment, all the while giggling insanely, that it had the biggest jugs she'd ever seen. Why does she remind me of Sirius from time-to-time?

Pervert of a girl.

Either way, we still got high marks. I relayed the story to Lily when I got back, along with the message from Flitwick that she can hand her work in when she was well again. She was amused, all while disagreeing with me about setting up Alice and Sirius. Claims a seventh year boy fancies her instead and has been asking her out for over a year and therefore thinks Alice should just try going out with Frank for one date.

I wish you'd try me

That came out wrong. Suggestive tones should not be used in this circumstance. And now I'm getting the sharp end of a classic Evans glare. I bite out a quick apology, I honestly didn't mean to say that, although I wouldn't object to a…

I need to shut my mouth; about five minutes ago would have been good. Big mistake to even open it. Big doesn't put it into perspective. You could describe it as Elephunket Enourmous.


	7. Fake

**A/N**: I don't own HP

___

F = Fake

Fake, those have got to be fake. This substitute professor for defence looks like plastic. Plastic from her platonic blonde hair to her toe-squeezing, red pencilled heels. She's teetering on those thin heels, I don't blame her with a set of twins that… I will not stare at her chest. I must tear my eyes away. Some time soon would be good.

Bimbo girl

Either way, I must let you know I am not the only one staring gormlessly. Even courteous Remus is agape. The only people who don't have their mouths open are the girls. In fact they are scowling, furious at all the fakeness, and the fact that the boys are turning into mindless puddles of goo.

However, I think I must be the only male in this room that is standing next to Lily Evans, so I would not stare at anything else. I'm not succeeding. However my ears are in full working order to hear a disgruntled Evans ask 'How would she defend herself against evil wizards?' to the other witches within earshot. Unable to help myself I grinned.

Never underestimate the power of the bosom

I mentally kicked myself at first. I am surrounded by already pissed-off girls, all armed with wands, surely I would receive an ass-full of curses. I closed my eyes and a slight whimper let itself out in anticipation.

What I didn't expect was the sudden raucous laughter that erupted around me. Relief swept over me as chaos ensued. I grinned sheepishly at Remus, who had also come out of his revere and was staring at me in confusion as the giggling girls around me patted my back, arms and head if they could reach. I'm sure more than one even pinched my ass, but I don't care because all of these girls are better than Miss Fake.


	8. Giant

G = Giant

Giants. There's no other word for it. We have our DADA Professor back and he's been to see the giants. And he's given us what looks like a Giantess centerfold to study. It's moving too, swinging a club back and forth. Her 'giants' wobbling with every move, like a lava lamp; you can't look away despite the fact that this giantess is no beauty.

Brainless girl

Either way, the professor seems to be oblivious that he's given us giant pornography. Sirius isn't. Despite the professor breaking us up to ensure we don't "disrupt the class", I can hear Sirius has got the giggles from across the room. To my left somewhere, Peter is making some sort of gagging sound, and I can see Remus' ears, as he's sat right in front of me, going a delicate shade of pink.

So hypnotic

I could see Remus' ears prick before he turned around, shooting me a look of confusion. Grinning, I hold the picture up to him, giving it a wobble for greater effect. He at least had the dignity to give me a disgusted look. It was kind of spoiled by the soft blush that escaped from his ears and warmed his cheeks.

Lucky Moony doesn't blush easily, and when he does it's only very light. Unlike me, the blood is attracted to my cheeks as it is now seeing as the Professor has caught me 'distracting' my friend. I'm forced to look back at my wobbly giant.

---

I don't own HP


	9. Help

**A/N:** Sorry I haven't updated in a while – not allowed to use the internet for things at home other than emails. But I'm at the library and I can do whatever I want now... sort of.  
I don't own HP

-----

H = Help! I've fallen on the floor and can't get up!

Help! I've fallen on the floor and can't get up! They were the first words that ripped through my brain as I looked up at the two huge Christmas bulbuls floating above my head looked like they were going to fall right on top of me. Sirius was right, no joke, they do look like glorified boobies. The little tit-like decoration doesn't help.

Hefty girls

Either way, I don't think these would be practical for a gal. She'd have issues with falling over and be constantly on her back. I snigger. And then my Merlin-forsaken blush appears when a certain someone takes my hand, looks up at the h-boobs with me, querying my laughter.

Evans wouldn't see it. I don't think she'd see the humour in it either. She'll think I've gone backwards in my maturity. I've got to get her away, I need to get my eyes off the damn things, be smooth.

I can't tear away

Yeah, real smooth. One should not provide self-commentary. Of course Evans had to cotton on in that instance. Her own blush floods her face. I tried to clap a hand over her eyes and steer her away. She pushes my hand away; she has that mischievous look upon her face. I sense she's about to spring something on me.

What would I call that cup-size? Why is she asking me that? Why is she staring at me expectantly with her pools of emerald green? More importantly, why is she holding my hand? Oh Merlin, she's tracing her thumb over the back of my palm! What do I do now? What do I say now? Help!


	10. Impossible

I = Impossible

This was impossible. Unbelievable. Lily is perched on the end of my bed, her hair cascading around her shoulders, a big grin upon her face as she read down our list. Our inappropriate list of cup sizes. I don't even remember giving them to her. She's hypnotized me she has, with that dancing gleam in her eyes, teasing me, saying the forsaken blush across my cheeks was becoming on me.

Cheeky girl

She laughing at me, again, and I can't help but grin, rather stupidly. She looks so damn gorgeous and so full of life in comparison to a few days ago. She's playing with her necklace above the collar of her slightly unbuttoned shirt where I can see a tantalizing peek of cleavage, her glossy lips cracked wide to make way for a toothy grin, her pools of emerald, and I'm drowning in her gaze. Merlin…

I love you.

I froze. I so totally did not just… I can't have… I… uh… oh bollocks. I think my brain has stopped functioning. Lily seems a little shocked, but she's definitely not laughing now as she scrutinizes me. Then the list, then… herself…

She's speaking to me, timidly. I blink dumbly, trying to turn my brain back on. I lean closer, so I can hear her when she repeats. 'Doesn't fit into my requirements?' What on earth are you talking about? I know you're not a 'D'… oh. My mind switches back on. Convenient timing… sarcasm, make with the sarcasm.

This is the second time she's been vulnerable in front of me. I won't have this, this isn't my Lily. I cup my hands around her face, lifting her gaze to mine and opened my mouth. I know, bad idea, but I have to say something, to make her understand I love her for who she is.

And now I'm babbling. I give up. I'll just sit here and enjoy gazing into her emerald depths while I sit here and make a fool out of myse… mphf?

Oh Merlin. She just kissed me. And not a little sweet peck like first kisses are. She has full on pinned me on the bed and snogged me somewhat senseless. I'm finding difficult to wrap my head around this, in fact I'm finding it difficult to think anything at all with her sugared lips pushed firmly to mine.

Lily Evans is kissing me, James Potter. And some dared to say it would be impossible.

**A/N:** Sorry to say but that's the end folks! Hope you all had as much fun reading this as I had typing it! Thanks to all the people who reviewed!

I'm not JKR *wibble*


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